I knew my son could be hard work sometimes, but equally he could be so funny and so clever. I would see him making effort to befriend people, wanting to play and connect. Each clumsy effort seemed to alienate people further. I remember him aged seven, jumping and excited, wanting to tell a friend of my partner about something he had seen. The friend, someone who didn’t have children at that point, responded with clearly visible irritation and dismissal. My partner, not their biological father, then showed irritation with my son. It was clear that all the other adults wanted him to ‘be a good boy’ and that for them, this equated with being still and quiet. My funny and clever son could alienate people before they ever got to meet the playful him.

This theme continued at school. Un-contained excitement and exuberance could quickly ostracise him from adults and potential peers alike. Friends he did make might quickly tire of his poor impulse control and high energy. The more he alienated people, the harder he would try, further alienating people. We would work so hard to help him to try and understand, so much work put into helping him see things from the position of the other. He never stopped trying.

If people had judged him on effort instead of results how differently things could have been.

Now he’s an adult and the work has paid off. He makes good choices with friendships, and has a group of kind and loyal friends at Uni that he pays back in equal measures of kindness and loyalty. He’s a great friend.