other’s responses to our children

Our children all had their different ways of showing us that they were struggling to be in their world. It could be behavioural issues that stemmed from impulse control, to emotional regulation issues that became the catalyst for acting out, or withdrawal that meant others could not see the problems we were seeing once our child was home and safe to unmask.

Perhaps it was a partner, a teacher or a well meaning relative. Other’s responses to our children could be the thing to make or break a day. Like in Elle’s story - where a parents evenings held the same information for an entire school career, but the flavour changed depending upon the tone of voice used - often indicating whether their child was held in fondness or in disdain.

Some parents have shared how in their culture having a child who is neurodiverse could be seen as a punishment, from a higher power or from past life indiscretions.

We shared our stories of others responses to us and our children, those ranging from obstructive to helpful. These stories could have this same journey even when from the same person, with some of us sharing stories of how our partners learned about themselves and our children as they progressed from one type of response to another.

The Stares

Both my children have had those “stares” at different times throughout their lives so far. My first son had a lot of emotional outbursts where he would scream and cry. I remember one day as I was picking him up from school, he asked about an event, and I said we weren’t planning on going. My son instantly dropped to the floor and screamed “NOOOO!” at the top of his lungs. I immediately felt all eyes on me, I looked around to see people staring and looking shocked as if I had just told him someone had died or our house had burned down or something to that significance. I quickly got him into the car and began calming him down. It was the same whenever we had to leave someone’s house after a play, he would have these huge “over-the-top” reactions. 

I would get anxious about going anywhere because I never knew how my kids would handle certain situations that would arise.

My second son didn’t have the same big outbursts, he was quite withdrawn and didn’t really have the desire to engage with other much. I would often find myself apologising to people because he would ignore them and wouldn’t answer back when they would talk to him. One day when he was about 3 years old we were trying to leave McDonalds and he laid down on the floor and refused to get up. I was holding my baby at the time so I was struggling and couldn’t just pick him up. I had an older lady glaring at me and then she whispered something to her partner while still looking in my direction frowning. 

Having to factor in how other people will react to our kids, is just another thing to add, to the already overloaded metaphorical plate, that parents of neurodivergent kids, are carrying. 

We already have the stress of the meltdowns and screaming/hitting, then to add on top having complete strangers judge and scowl at you, is really difficult. 

It’s hard not to get defensive in these moments. You want to explain to these people, this minute of chaos they are witnessing, doesn’t reflect the type of child they truly are. They have moments when they are absolutely delightful, funny, curious, kind and clever. 

There have also been moments where complete strangers have shown me kindness amidst the chaos.  I have had people say, “do you need a hand?” or “you’re doing a great job”. These little moments of encouragement have given me that little boost and strength to keep going.  Now I am the parent checking in on others in the hard moments. I have developed an understanding and deep compassion for parents struggling with their children’s challenging behaviours. 

Reaction to my child - Elle

I knew my son could be hard work sometimes, but equally he could be so funny and so clever. I would see him making effort to befriend people, wanting to play and connect. Each clumsy effort seemed to alienate people further. I remember him aged seven, jumping and excited, wanting to tell a friend of my partner about something he had seen. The friend, someone who didn’t have children at that point, responded with clearly visible irritation and dismissal. My partner, not their biological father, then showed irritation with my son. It was clear that all the other adults wanted him to ‘be a good boy’ and that for them, this equated with being still and quiet. My funny and clever son could alienate people before they ever got to meet the playful him.

This theme continued at school. Un-contained excitement and exuberance could quickly ostracise him from adults and potential peers alike. Friends he did make might quickly tire of his poor impulse control and high energy. The more he alienated people, the harder he would try, further alienating people. We would work so hard to help him to try and understand, so much work put into helping him see things from the position of the other. He never stopped trying.

If people had judged him on effort instead of results how differently things could have been.

Now he’s an adult and the work has paid off. He makes good choices with friendships, and has a group of kind and loyal friends at Uni that he pays back in equal measures of kindness and loyalty. He’s a great friend.

Blog Post Title Four

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