The impact on our view of ourselves as parents

With so many messages of ‘normal’ in the world, it is difficult to imagine that as parents of neurodiverse children we would not be affected by this, and lay some or most of the blame with ourselves.

As well as the messages around social norms, and how those in our circle can sometimes fail to see that our children may not meet these, there are overt messages in the things we are recommended and advised (often unsolicited) on a daily basis. These interactions rarely acknowledge our specialist experience with our children, and so can frequently leave us feeling below standard, and assist us to lose faith in our abilities as parents.

The irony being that this is often whilst we are working harder than many of our neurotypical peers to gain a fraction of the result. If only we were judged upon effort rather than results!

These are stories of ways in which our view of ourselves as parents has been impacted. These stories acknowledge both the loss of faith as well as leading into some of our pride in overcoming and resisting the harsh and often unfair judgement of ourselves.

Elle’s story

My own experience of being parented as a child in my family of origin was not one that was pleasurable, or I had any desire to repeat. So when I became a parent I had only references of what I didn’t want to be, and none of what I did want to be. When I look back now I can see that I was looking to be the best parent I could be, but was rigid in my interpretation of what that meant. Being a good parent meant having good children, right? As a single parent, I already felt the weight of so much judgement. It’s hard when that messaging is either direct or indirect and it feels like it comes from every angle.

My son was ‘high energy’ and I read all the books and the guidance as to what I should do with a ‘high energy’ boy. I took him to the park, and we went on walks, and I let him climb things for that elusive moment where he crashed into sleep. My daughter, the opposite. Passive, wanted to be carried, didn’t walk until 18 months and sang songs before she put a sentence together eventually at 3 and a half, having talked in ‘scribble’ up until that point. I blamed this particularly on having post natal depression.

I judged myself on my results, rather than effort expended. I recall an aunt saying to me ‘what are you going to do about these behavioural problems?’ I asked ‘what behavioural problems?’ I really couldn’t see any problem with them - the only deficit I could see was my parenting. I believed if I was a good enough parent then the difficulties would go away, and that the only reason it was still difficult is because I wasn’t good enough as a parent yet.

This message was reinforced by schools, medical people, family, my ex partner. It took me so many years to realise how hard I was working and that it wasn’t my fault (or my child’s) if the results seen did not match the effort expended.

When my son was acting out at school I looked to people for support. The message was clear - you’re on your own and it’s your fault. ‘He’s just a normal boy’ (my ex, who only acknowledged there was an issue when my son was threatened with expulsion from school). ‘If there was some stability at home, or if you didn’t work so much’ (a teacher, there was stability at home, just not two parents, which is why I needed to work), ‘We can have him assessed but I don’t think you’ll get any benefits’ (a nurse, and I wasn’t asking for benefits, just support).

The most frustrating thing about this time when I look back is the lack of faith in my ability as a parent. I really wish that people had seen the reward charts, the structured rewards, the specialised skills and knowledge I had about my children and how I was working so hard to get the best from them every day. The change really came for my son when I had a school that would work with me instead of telling me I was doing things wrong. The changes were almost instant. As soon as there was a clear message from more than one place (my house and school) it became apparent to him what he needed to do in order to succeed, and he did want to succeed.

The new school worked with who he was at that time, instead of measuring him next to what he ‘should be’. My son settled into stretching himself to gain the kind of approval and positive reinforcement he had not had at his previous school, and this was backed by rewards or consequences at home. (simple things like being able to choose what to watch when he got home) Improvement was rapid as soon as someone listened to me, and I learned to trust my capability as their parent, not just a parent.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.