My own experience of being parented as a child in my family of origin was not one that was pleasurable, or I had any desire to repeat. So when I became a parent I had only references of what I didn’t want to be, and none of what I did want to be. When I look back now I can see that I was looking to be the best parent I could be, but was rigid in my interpretation of what that meant. Being a good parent meant having good children, right? As a single parent, I already felt the weight of so much judgement. It’s hard when that messaging is either direct or indirect and it feels like it comes from every angle.

My son was ‘high energy’ and I read all the books and the guidance as to what I should do with a ‘high energy’ boy. I took him to the park, and we went on walks, and I let him climb things for that elusive moment where he crashed into sleep. My daughter, the opposite. Passive, wanted to be carried, didn’t walk until 18 months and sang songs before she put a sentence together eventually at 3 and a half, having talked in ‘scribble’ up until that point. I blamed this particularly on having post natal depression.

I judged myself on my results, rather than effort expended. I recall an aunt saying to me ‘what are you going to do about these behavioural problems?’ I asked ‘what behavioural problems?’ I really couldn’t see any problem with them - the only deficit I could see was my parenting. I believed if I was a good enough parent then the difficulties would go away, and that the only reason it was still difficult is because I wasn’t good enough as a parent yet.

This message was reinforced by schools, medical people, family, my ex partner. It took me so many years to realise how hard I was working and that it wasn’t my fault (or my child’s) if the results seen did not match the effort expended.

When my son was acting out at school I looked to people for support. The message was clear - you’re on your own and it’s your fault. ‘He’s just a normal boy’ (my ex, who only acknowledged there was an issue when my son was threatened with expulsion from school). ‘If there was some stability at home, or if you didn’t work so much’ (a teacher, there was stability at home, just not two parents, which is why I needed to work), ‘We can have him assessed but I don’t think you’ll get any benefits’ (a nurse, and I wasn’t asking for benefits, just support).

The most frustrating thing about this time when I look back is the lack of faith in my ability as a parent. I really wish that people had seen the reward charts, the structured rewards, the specialised skills and knowledge I had about my children and how I was working so hard to get the best from them every day. The change really came for my son when I had a school that would work with me instead of telling me I was doing things wrong. The changes were almost instant. As soon as there was a clear message from more than one place (my house and school) it became apparent to him what he needed to do in order to succeed, and he did want to succeed.

The new school worked with who he was at that time, instead of measuring him next to what he ‘should be’. My son settled into stretching himself to gain the kind of approval and positive reinforcement he had not had at his previous school, and this was backed by rewards or consequences at home. (simple things like being able to choose what to watch when he got home) Improvement was rapid as soon as someone listened to me, and I learned to trust my capability as their parent, not just a parent.